The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
