Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
