Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
