I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
