im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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