it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
