Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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