Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
