Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
