I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
