I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
