The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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