the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
