i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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