Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
where are my eyebrows?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
