Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
