he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
