Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
