the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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