Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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