We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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