my being single is dangerous.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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