Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
