3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
