I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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