Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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