Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
