All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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