Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
