No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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