We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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