mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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