break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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