i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
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