what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
