I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
