You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
