Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
