Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
