drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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