normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
