Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
