Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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