Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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