Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
