Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
