I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
