Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
