For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
