DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
